Old Miserable Jamaican Lady Syndrome

 

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Aside from wanting to practice meditation more, I want to be more mindful of my every waking moment. I have found myself bubbling over with anger at what I perceive as a great injustice. (In reality, most injustices are not worth an iota of my time-but in the moment: I am ready to ponce).

Those that know one version of me are usually caught off guard when what they see as my sudden anger rear its ugly head. My sudden mood shift is swift and frankly quite ugly. I am blunt, cold and harsh with my verbal attacks. My gap toothed smile and warm, glittering eyes turn into a grimace and eyes  become cold and unforgiving as I calculate how I am going to attack.

I found myself leaving an event (I pre-paid for at least two months in advance) just to avoid behaving in a way many may argue is unbecoming. When I get this way-it is best to remove myself from my current environment. There’s a sudden ringing in my ears-I am already taking off heels, pulling back thick locs and removing earrings.

I am ready for war.

Then a voice in my head-as well as my sister’s (whom is never surprised at my sudden shift in moods-although still perturbed by them) tells me to back down. Who am I kidding? I am not a fighter! I’m a writer, a dancer, a food enthusiast-and more importantly an overall bundle of mushiness (lately finding myself astray).

It is in these moments I talk to God.

I ask him to help me calm down.

I inquire, “God, you’re testing me aren’t you?”

I run around wanting to be positive all the time-spew positive vibes all day every day-even more so when I am not feeling positive. I believe that sometimes one must be intentional with the kind of day one wants.

No matter what current catastrophe is happening-I have found myself continually giving myself positive self-talk. I refuse to catch OMJLS (Old Miserable Jamaican Lady Syndrome). There are enough of those species walking around. I told my sister, if we are blessed enough to live past 50-60 years old and I have full blown OMJLS please end my life. The very idea of never seeing the beauty in the chaos, the idea of not being positive, of not being happy, of always waiting for someone else or something (like money) to make me happy makes me SICK to my stomach.

I have to ask myself-are my sudden moments of anger to the point of attack early symptoms of OMJLS? Is the metamorphosis already happening?

I need to take heed to the advice of those that love me.

I need to truly practice some strategies I picked up between three hours a week of therapy, psychiatric appointments and of course week long stays in psychiatric hospitals.

One thing I liked was meditation.

Meditation allowed me to slow down (if you know me in real life then you know I can become so animated I almost morph into a caricature of myself). I attribute this to being a middle child, a Libra, a traumatized individual with a point to ALWAYS prove. This way of being although I’d like to believe not signs of OMJLS , is not sustainable for the long haul. Sleeplessness and sleep that is not restful are prevalent.

I want to slow down. I want to sleep and I want to be less angry.

Hence, I will begin meditation as a way to reach a state of mindfulness. Do you have any suggestions dear reader? What do you do to keep yourself mentally well? Please share. Until next time.

Resources:

Mindfulness

Meditation Music

6 thoughts on “Old Miserable Jamaican Lady Syndrome

  1. I always take breathes and as I’m doing that I ask myself if it could be worse? I look at what I can do better than stooping to a character that I wouldn’t want to praise if I was someone else. I always look at situations from different angles immediately. Stepping back and realize that I am blessed to have a choice to use my energy in whatever way I choose. My daily meditation is reflection. Looking back at what I could have done better in situations and how to avoid it from happening again. Making sure it doesn’t have control over me or my character.

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  2. Nicely written and thanks for sharing.
    For me, it’s keeping busy with things i love and enjoy. That’s how my blog was birthed 😊. Also as hard as it is, don’t react in the moment. I hope this helps, but end of the day remember you are loved..x

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    1. Thank you. I agree-I need to work on not reacting in the moment. I’d like to think continued mediation-prayer and exercise will allow me to not get so hot headed. Blessings.

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  3. These days I feel like it’s easy for me to get angry – especially if I follow what’s going on in the world these days. And I search for something to do with that anger — it can be a motivator. I haven’t quite figured out for what yet and don’t have a talent for level headed discussion – l can say things I regret if I’m not careful although I’ve gotten better about this with age. Still, there must be something we can do with that fury. But self care is critical – as you wisely have figured out sooner than I ever did. Meditation is a beautiful thing. And a good night’s sleep – but I’m careful to read at least a few pages of a good book before sleep – no peeking at twitter or something else that might stoke my fury and lead to bad dreams. Other remedies: gardening, put our hands in the dirt. Nature’s got the cure! And keep writing it too — you do it well!

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    1. Thank you! I love the idea of putting my hands in the dirt. It’s very easy to get caught up in a world where we are often removed from nature and the simple pleasures of growing a small pot of herbs that may be used often while cooking and preparing meals is very enjoyable. Something as simple as growing fresh mint may help. It’s helped me in the past and I am leaning towards it again as we approach summer. Thanks for sharing.

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