Aside from wanting to practice meditation more, I want to be more mindful of my every waking moment. I have found myself bubbling over with anger at what I perceive as a great injustice. (In reality, most injustices are not worth an iota of my time-but in the moment: I am ready to ponce).
Those that know one version of me are usually caught off guard when what they see as my sudden anger rear its ugly head. My sudden mood shift is swift and frankly quite ugly. I am blunt, cold and harsh with my verbal attacks. My gap toothed smile and warm, glittering eyes turn into a grimace and eyes become cold and unforgiving as I calculate how I am going to attack.
I found myself leaving an event (I pre-paid for at least two months in advance) just to avoid behaving in a way many may argue is unbecoming. When I get this way-it is best to remove myself from my current environment. There’s a sudden ringing in my ears-I am already taking off heels, pulling back thick locs and removing earrings.
I am ready for war.
Then a voice in my head-as well as my sister’s (whom is never surprised at my sudden shift in moods-although still perturbed by them) tells me to back down. Who am I kidding? I am not a fighter! I’m a writer, a dancer, a food enthusiast-and more importantly an overall bundle of mushiness (lately finding myself astray).
It is in these moments I talk to God.
I ask him to help me calm down.
I inquire, “God, you’re testing me aren’t you?”
I run around wanting to be positive all the time-spew positive vibes all day every day-even more so when I am not feeling positive. I believe that sometimes one must be intentional with the kind of day one wants.
No matter what current catastrophe is happening-I have found myself continually giving myself positive self-talk. I refuse to catch OMJLS (Old Miserable Jamaican Lady Syndrome). There are enough of those species walking around. I told my sister, if we are blessed enough to live past 50-60 years old and I have full blown OMJLS please end my life. The very idea of never seeing the beauty in the chaos, the idea of not being positive, of not being happy, of always waiting for someone else or something (like money) to make me happy makes me SICK to my stomach.
I have to ask myself-are my sudden moments of anger to the point of attack early symptoms of OMJLS? Is the metamorphosis already happening?
I need to take heed to the advice of those that love me.
I need to truly practice some strategies I picked up between three hours a week of therapy, psychiatric appointments and of course week long stays in psychiatric hospitals.
One thing I liked was meditation.
Meditation allowed me to slow down (if you know me in real life then you know I can become so animated I almost morph into a caricature of myself). I attribute this to being a middle child, a Libra, a traumatized individual with a point to ALWAYS prove. This way of being although I’d like to believe not signs of OMJLS , is not sustainable for the long haul. Sleeplessness and sleep that is not restful are prevalent.
I want to slow down. I want to sleep and I want to be less angry.
Hence, I will begin meditation as a way to reach a state of mindfulness. Do you have any suggestions dear reader? What do you do to keep yourself mentally well? Please share. Until next time.